TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be large. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely outside of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let's have another spot where by American men can wear robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: give Anyone a collection over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate energy," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It can be that he should quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the venture, replied, "You understand, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good individuals. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head obvious from Room, a attribute becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after acquiring the building's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is really not merely unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Perplexing Attributes


Perhaps the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place friends may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Nearby Syrians are Doubtful what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Technique: "For those who Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Without end."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is by now attracting consideration from Intercontinental traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll invest in a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage can even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to find out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort wherever my PTSD can have turn-down support."


One more write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Views from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave everything three. You're welcome."

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